19/1/15-24/1/15

Typed on 19/1/15, halted and continued on 23/1/15, posted on 24/1/15.

-19/1/15-

Howdy Ho everlibadi. I just came back from a virtual war. War between students and the internet connection, fighting for tutorial slots. Did not manage to get the slots that we wanted so had to revamp the whole plan. Hopefully everything goes well for this semester. *Fingers crossed*

It’s already week two of my semester and my mum already started commenting on me looking super-duper stressed out. Yeah I guess my mind’s playing around all the upcoming assignments and events. Next week will be one of the toughest week for me, for everyday my schedule is full full full full full. I might be extremely tired for the week, but I am happy coz this is what I've always wanted. To do the things that I want all one shot in a week.

This semester I was given the challenge to deal with interpersonal relationship problems, and then I realized how bad am I as a person in creating topics to talk to strangers. Coz I’m the type of person who warms up slowly in the process of getting to know people. Through this I’ve extended my own limits and boundaries, the outcomes wasn’t exactly what I was expecting from this challenge, but I’m glad I stated my own stand and I have no regrets for doing so.

-23/1/15-

Upon the confrontation session due to the challenge, I came to realize that some people are just not meant to stay long in your life. Some came in just to teach you a lesson, some to plague your life and some to…. I don’t know. Make your life a better one? Before this, I tend to use avoidance in dealing with problems all the time, because I don’t want to deal with all the emotional and psychological stuffs that tag along with the problem. I avoid confrontations, coz I am scared of what I might hear or get from it. But from this incident onwards, I am not going to hide in my shell anymore. If there’s a need for me to voice out, I will do so. I do realize the consequences of all my actions, and I have prepared myself mentally and psychologically enough for that. 

So that's all from me this week so far, I might be able to cover another post about my first ever MB concert *heavy breathing*, I'mmmmmmmm overly excited atm. Just 3 days away and I'll be able to meet my dream man.

Signing off with my name and a picquote I saw on FB, which I like it a lot,

Suetneeeee

Feelings-Vent-Out

-No class today so being an otaku for the day.-

Just a vent-out-my-current-feelings post.

At times I find myself really clingy to my friends. And sometimes, I hate myself for being so. Coz it feels like I am not being independent enough to do things myself. However what is even contradicting is that sometimes I feel like I can do all the things alone, it’s okay if I don’t have any friends with me.

What is wrong with me? I have no idea.

And I realized that I’ve put too much of my expectations on others. And I get myself disappointment each time for doing so. I expect the same return of effort in making friends. I know it’s impossible, I know it’s wrong to do so. But I can’t help myself. I’ve been trying to brainwash myself that “no one belongs to you”. They have their freedom and rights to choose whoever they want to be with, hang out with. I’m working hard on that. I am.

There are times when I feel like doing all the things solo, because I don’t have to conform to others nor to suit others. I feel good when I’m shopping alone, watching movie alone, driving alone. But the thing is, if this condition persists, I might end up being a loner. A complete old loner when I’m 80 years old. 

On the other side, sometimes I feel like I’m very insecure in an environment without anyone I know. In situation like this, I start to hang on to people whom I know. I wanted to approach them badly, make friends with them, and be close with them. The problem is, I do not know how to start. If I change myself, it wouldn’t be me anymore. It’ll be me imitating those who hook up fast with people. And I know I will feel tired of trying to be so.

If I remain the genuine me, I wouldn’t have much of a social life, lesser friends, but I feel true to my heart, even at times I might feel lonely. But if I make changes, I would gain social life, more friends, but a tired heart. So, which now?

I have no idea. I think I’m in the midst of feeling helplessness.

New Year

I was supposed to finished my birthday post and published it last year, which seems a very long time ago, but in fact not (just a few days ago). But clearly due to endless level of procrastination and enjoying my sem break like a baws, I couldn’t deliver it before New Year started…. So yeah Happy New Year from me lololol

Uni’s starting next week and I’ve got my feelings all mixed up. One part of me wants to go back and study because I don’t have to rot in the house doing nothing besides house chores, my guitar, and also books; another part of me fears of what is coming in the new sem with new subjects. With all the deadlines and assignments which require much of my brain juice and critical thinking, the horror horrifies me a lot. I know, I’m making my life so much more complicated than it seems to be. It’s actually very simple, overthinking kills. Guess I’ll need to make my remaining holidays to the best and enjoy to the max before new stress levels hit on. And also enjoy the company of my brother before he starts school as well :’(

New Year hmmm, not much of a new resolution from me. I’ll just be real to myself and also make sure that I constantly improve myself compared to the previous me. And of course having to make sure things that I’ve planned come into real action so that I’m one step closer to my goal.

To be honest I don’t feel any different or any special about new year. My mum said I’m getting very old, older than her. It’s another normal day to me so…. Sometimes I do worry about what is going on with my thinking. I call it the Ah-Ma-Thinking-Syndrome, where the thinking is no longer the same as people same age around you, but to the extent of those old uncles and aunties. You find things that people the same age do around you boring and a waste of time, but of course, not all the time.

I’m not sure what is really going wrong/right bout me. I’m still in the midst of understanding this as well, using all kind of possible analyses, probably one of the acceptable explanation is

I’m really getting old. lol

Anyway still a Happy New Year from me!