22/12/2015

Today marks the birth of a legend 20 years ago. Lol just kiddin', maybe not so much of a legend, but still a very important individual yes.

This year, today, I spent it like any other normal day would do. I'm officially leaving my teen years behind. And in another 365 days I would be swagging into the club like a boss legally.

Looking back to my birthday last year and comparing it with today, I realized that there's a lot of changes occurred. Both physically and psychologically; Physically maybe grown some fat lost some as well, still in the potato physique. Psychologically I've learn too much, not gonna list them down here first (blame it to my laziness)

But because I just touched down M'sia yesterday night 9pm-ish from a 6 days Taiwan family trip, basically what I felt the whole day is just tiredness. Since my finals ended I didn't have a proper rest. From having a short vacay with my uni mates, to going to Penang for three days with him, and to meet Lerkshie and to Taiwan for 6 days. All these happened consecutively with no breaks in between. And now finally a little time for me to indulge in the enjoyment of sleeping. Never felt so good to be in home for my birthday.

If you have wondered what happened to my last two previous post that was taken down, well it was because the both of us decided to end it under good terms. Due to difference in values and expectations towards relationships. It was the right person in the wrong time I would say. Nevertheless I'm still recovering from it. It's gonna take quite some time for me to move on completely, but at least I'm progressing bits by bits. Three days to quit the tears, prolly one year to completely let go and open up to more possibilities out there.

Changes are there, and there are more to come. I've decided to have some transformation process on my physical self. Let's see how's my face had turned into the next time I drop by this blog.

Happy Birthday to myself once again, and signing off with love,

Suetneeeee

13/9/2015

Couldn't really sleep after watching 中国好声音 so I've decided to came here to talk about some really sentimental stuffs. Midnight posts are always the best with true emotions.

Last semester was probably one of the worst period I have ever been. Although it was only a short semester of 10 weeks and two subjects to be handled, at almost the end of the semester I literally couldn't handle it anymore. And I broke down pretty badly. I wasn't in good shape during that period.

The friends I once used to pour my heart out to, were not approached by me for quite some period of time. I pretty much sucked up a lot to myself, only my parents knew about what was I really going through. When I was in high school, I am that type of person that wouldn't mind telling what was I going through and feeling at the moment, but then I realized friends come and go in your life. And it was pretty risky to tell them your periods of down because you never knew one day when both of you will slowly distant yourselves and then they are gone from your life for good. In university, I didn't dare to go around and do what I used to do with my friends unless with those whom I perceive as real friends. I still keep a lot of stuffs within me. Sounds slightly pessimistic from the usual me but if you carefully digest the words it isn't. Imo I'm merely stating the reality.

As time goes by, I've gotten pretty good with camouflaging my true self and emotions. And my threshold is sort of high, unless you have done something really terrible and I couldn't take it and that's when prolly I'll lose my temper. Even so, I wouldn't lose it in front of the public, what I'll do is just probably start distancing myself away because I knew it is time for me to move on. I do not want to be influenced any possible negativities.

I guess it is true that as you grow, it gets harder for you to make friends. Need not to mention about real friends. In university you need to distinguish who are the ones that could stimulate you to grow, and who are the ones who will stunt your growth. Because the ones who you mix around the most are best reflection of who you are and what's your personality like. You've just gotta be wise.

I am a pretty clingy sort of friend tbh, I trust people very fast and I don't mind going extra mile for my friends. Although I have this RBF (Resting Bitch Face) all the time and it scares away quite a lot of people, but deep down I'm another person you wouldn't realize if you haven't gotten close enough with me. The way I act in front of my high school bunch and my university bunch are completely two different persona.

Also I came to the realization that as I age, I've became someone who enjoys the quiet and serenity side of things. I no longer want to be with a crowd, I want to be alone the whole day if possible. I no longer crave to hang out outside, I want to be alone in places where I can enjoy peace and silence. I've started going to cinemas alone, cafes alone, McD alone, shop alone at malls and etc. This has been going for quite some time and often I was asked didn't I felt lonely because I did not have friends with me? Truth is now I prefer silence over noise, and I feel at peace when I am alone. Talk only when necessary. Crap less, do more.

I don't deny the fact there were times I wish there were someone who would accompany me to watch movies of my favourite genres, to go explore cafes with real good food, to explore new places on a roadtrip. But at the same time I have yet to meet the right person where we both share the same values and with great personality. All that is required is just similar values and with good characters, nothing more than that. I guess I'll just patiently wait for the right one.

Prolly I craved for that too much that I actually dreamt of it. Believe it or not lol, last night I dreamt of my "boyfriend" and I going for a getaway on some mountains wtf. And some naked uncle ran up the mountains double wtf. Slightly disappointing because I didn't get to see my boyfriend's face. Prolly some dryness alert God has given to me wtf. I always have lots of weird dreams trust me, I could write a whole book bout it and you could laugh like there's no tomorrow.

Alright enough of weird topics jumping here and there. Now that I am feeling slightly sleepy I think it's time for me to head for bed. Till the next post.

Signing off,
suetneeeee

9/1/2015

First day of September. Hmmm, seems like another year will be gone very soon by the time we realize it.

Let's talk bout some of the things that happened since the last post. In the last blog post I've written about the failures and some of the not-so-fortunate things that had happened to me. After that I've had a month of semester break, which I think was one of the most fruitful semester break I ever had. Not a single day was wasted because I had some sudden decisions made to be accomplished during the break. I.e: revamp my room, had two short getaways with my mum and Sharon each and etc. It was pretty hectic to be honest, for example I had to fly to Penang one day after I had my trip to Vietnam with my mum. With the one day in between I had to fulfill my scholarship duty at HELP International School. I crashed for 2 days after I came back from Penang.

I revamped my whole room. still a bit here and there that needed to be done. And I found lots of stuffs (CNY cards & letters from friends) that I've kept since Form 1. I think that it is time for me to move on, I read them for one last time, and I disposed them. I will always remember my friends' effort to send me CNY cards as I did when we were back in high school. Not sure why but when I dispose most of the stuffs I know I won't be using anymore, I felt as though the burden in me has lessened as well. The space that I've cleared up, is now ready to store current and future memories. Until I felt that it's the time to move on and the cycle starts again.

Not sure if those who haven't seen me for like the past 9 months know bout it. But I've actually cut my hair into the lob (long bob) length, and dyed into some sort of friend-thinks-its-lala-type of hair colour. I started dyeing my hair since last year August, and then I've dyed around 4 times up till now. My hairdresser banned me from dyeing again until next year CNY...err so I guess I have to live with the ugly roots till next year>?

Year Two Sem One has officially started one week ago. And this sem has got tonnes of group assignments, which isn't really in my favour. I still prefer individual assignments thou. It's gonna be challenging, but I will take it as another new challenge to buff myself up for future work preparations.

Okay so here comes the bonus for this blog post, coz I am lazy to transfer pictures from my phone each time (which surprisingly I did this time). So here you go!

This is me, taken few days ago.  My hair colour is actually a mixture of gold-ish brown on the scalp part, then dark brown as transition. And inner part is glaring red. Disclaimer: NO photoshop done on my face nor my chin.

This is all taken in Vietnam Ho Chi Minh city. As you can see my mum and I self-explored the city from the sampan riding at Mekong river, Ben Thanh Market, Cathedral, Musuem, Hawker Life and etc.

Penang was more like a sight-seeing and eating trip. We ate like more than 3 bowls of Asam Laksa within our 3 days stay there. Walked for one plus hour to locate Macallum Connoisseur Cafe. We went for lots of cafe hop and trying out their cakes. 

Till the next post.


Signing off,
suetneeeee

13.7.15

Howdy, I just realized that my last blog post was from last semester ago, in April. And now it's July>? 

Alright so back to my recent updates, it has been an extremely hectic short semester. Imagine all the things you learn in 14 weeks are now squashed into 7 weeks. Yet the assignment loads and the study materials remain the same. I survived another semester in HELP, and there goes my first year as a Psychology student.

Lots of things happened unexpectedly for me as well this semester. E.g: Losing my phone the first day of semester, slipped at the parking lot at MV the same day, got my car scratched by other car... But I'm glad that's all over now. Undoubtedly all those incidents left some impact on me, but I'm trying hard to overcome them now.

I'm generally a very ambitious person, and I set my own standards extremely high. When I don't seem to achieve what I've set, I feel sad and disappointed with myself. Thinking I didn't do well enough. Thinking on the various ways I could have possibly done in the future to ensure that I really achieve them. Well, it seems like the more you expect, the greater the disappointment. But what's left in one when they stop expecting? There's no more hope and motivation left for them to persist in pursuing their dreams.

My goal for this semester was to be selected as a poster presenter for one of the subject I'm taking this semester. To me, it will be one of the biggest accomplishment I would have achieved so far, aside from being selected as an AFS-er. And I made my move, planning every steps with hope that my topic will be chosen to be poster-presented at the Colloquium. However I was extremely scared of the thoughts that I held in my mind, because based on my past experiences (which happens most of the time), things always seem to go against my expectations, leaving me disappointed and devastated.

I was selected, much thanks to my tutor who helped me in every way to tackle this almost seem impossible topic to be completed due to the lacking number of established journals that was published. Upon knowing that I was selected with the other 16 students out of 120 students in the class, my goal moved one level higher- which is to win the poster presentation. 

Like the other 16 students, I did my best in decorating the whole thing. For the first time in my life I slept at 4.30 a.m., but it ain't fun staying up so late because I could definitely feel the toll it's taking on my body.

In the end, yeah you prolly could guess it. I did not emerge as the winner of the poster presentation. I wouldn't deny the feelings hit on me. Someone once told me the more you try to push away your negative feelings (e.g. sad), the more they will come and haunt you; the best way is to accept that you are feeling that way, and it will soon fade off. And it did, after counselled by one of my high-school friend who happened to WA me at the accurate timing.

Another lesson learnt, more improvements need to be done. It just happens that every individual is very subjective, and you can't be favoured by everyone, just like my topic. Even though it seems like the judge did not think my work was impressive enough, but I'm grateful to have my tutor who understand every bits behind the process of my assignment completion. Because it was the tutor who supervise and mark our proposals.

But no worries, I wouldn't be beaten by such failures. The more failures I've experienced, the more rooms of improvement I've discovered. You don't win all the time, and you don't lose all the time. All you need is the right tool, the right timing, and the right person who knows and appreciates your work. It seems almost impossible, but it will happen eventually. Patience.

10.4.2015

The feeling when you've dumped the last assignment for the semester into the submission box...That awesome feeling geddit?

Yes, I've completed the last assignment for the semester on Monday *popsconfettis* I would say that this would probably the one that strained much of our brain juice and our psychological well-being. Anyway, since I've dumped it into the box then the burden is cut into half by now. Not forgetting the upcoming finals next Saturday onward.

As for the update on my tutoring tho, two days later the parent contacted me again and requested me to continue teaching the kid. I did not agree nor disagree yet, I replied that I would be dropping by to clear off any misunderstanding and also doubts. And so, I went.

I'm not gonna mention too much of the details that we discussed due to the respect and the privacy I'll give to the parent and the child. But on my side, initially I agreed to teach for another two months more and also to alter my method of teaching. But after reaching home and a long talk with my mum, I've decided to stay back to my method and also to my values. As I am a psychology student, I am well aware that the traditional methods we used to grow up with back in those days where scolding and scaring is not a bit beneficial to the kid psychologically. And so, I left a message to the parent saying that I've decided to discontinue due to the differences in teaching method and values held. And that's it.

I guess this is a good end to it. And the moment I've sent the message I felt an immediate relieve, and now that I gained more flexibility in time back, I am able to pick up more classes to brush up my skills.

Okay let's not mention bout that anymore. On the other note, I'm so excited that I'm going on a trip when sem break starts oohhlalalala. 

I can pull through this, I know I can.

sorry for the less-cohesiveness in my writing in this post. I am errr, too tired.

March Updates

Well… It seems like it’s been quite some time since I last updated my blog.

Tomorrow it’s April Fool, first day of GST implementation, first day of another brand new month.. So many changes that are going to happen within hours.

Actually for the whole March I’ve been trying to adjust to my new timing, coz I started tutoring a 4 year old kid. My schedule has become even hectic than previous, but I tried my best to adapt to it. I tried my best tutoring, but one hour ago I just got to know that the parent decided to discontinue, through a third party tuition agent. The irony/

I was slightly shocked and disappointed to be honest, but I guess maybe it’s just the difference in perspective towards learning and disciplining the child. I am trying hard to not use the traditional method where rotans and restrictions were used in learning. I tried applying all the psychology concepts that I’ve learnt so far. To let the child try and do everything. But it seems like it wasn’t accepted… Oh well. I kinda sensed that something wasn’t very right by the facial expressions. I guess being able to detect facial expressions’ changes wasn’t something very good tho.

On the bright side though, I get to gain my flexibility in time back. Gained another working experience. Also, it’s time for me to prepare for my final exams in a few weeks time. Then after that I am so in need of a vacation during the break.

I gained valuable experience in dealing with kids. My patience level is up to a whole new level. And now it is time for me to pursue something that I really wanted to do with the free time now.

And as for why the parent decided to discontinue, I have no idea. The parent did not inform me personally, nor tell the tuition agent the reason why.  So I guess this is it

I might be updating new stuffs soon. Bout how I am coping with my life despite the high level of stress. Till then, Ciao tutti.

Confession 101

I've got this weird habit of mine, it occurs whenever I'm stressed.

I tend to clean my ears, also to clean my brother's, all to release my stress. Because the moment I see clean ear holes I feel satisfied. Or, another option would be to just pull out dandruff flakes from someone who has it. The moment I see clean scalp, I feel good.

And I've gone through a cleaning session with my brother's just now. So you know what state I am in currently...




Yeah, right. Stressed.

*slowly drags my body and mind back to assignments now*

Guitar Results

Getting to know that I've gotten the results that I've envisioned is literally like a dream come true.

Despite having to juggle between assignments, homework, other activities, getting a Merit for my Grade 5 Guitar examination is more than what I can wish for.

I am truly blessed, I thank myself for the hard work I poured in for the past one year preping myself for the guitar exam. I have no regrets, and I'm gonna perform much better in the future.

It's going to be tougher and tougher as I proceed to a higher grade, but I think with the aid of my mental strength and also my guitar teacher, we're gonna brace through all obstacles.


okay enough of crapping done, short update to start my February.
I need to sleep like, like seriously, now.'


signing off, dozing
Suetneeeee

19/1/15-24/1/15

Typed on 19/1/15, halted and continued on 23/1/15, posted on 24/1/15.

-19/1/15-

Howdy Ho everlibadi. I just came back from a virtual war. War between students and the internet connection, fighting for tutorial slots. Did not manage to get the slots that we wanted so had to revamp the whole plan. Hopefully everything goes well for this semester. *Fingers crossed*

It’s already week two of my semester and my mum already started commenting on me looking super-duper stressed out. Yeah I guess my mind’s playing around all the upcoming assignments and events. Next week will be one of the toughest week for me, for everyday my schedule is full full full full full. I might be extremely tired for the week, but I am happy coz this is what I've always wanted. To do the things that I want all one shot in a week.

This semester I was given the challenge to deal with interpersonal relationship problems, and then I realized how bad am I as a person in creating topics to talk to strangers. Coz I’m the type of person who warms up slowly in the process of getting to know people. Through this I’ve extended my own limits and boundaries, the outcomes wasn’t exactly what I was expecting from this challenge, but I’m glad I stated my own stand and I have no regrets for doing so.

-23/1/15-

Upon the confrontation session due to the challenge, I came to realize that some people are just not meant to stay long in your life. Some came in just to teach you a lesson, some to plague your life and some to…. I don’t know. Make your life a better one? Before this, I tend to use avoidance in dealing with problems all the time, because I don’t want to deal with all the emotional and psychological stuffs that tag along with the problem. I avoid confrontations, coz I am scared of what I might hear or get from it. But from this incident onwards, I am not going to hide in my shell anymore. If there’s a need for me to voice out, I will do so. I do realize the consequences of all my actions, and I have prepared myself mentally and psychologically enough for that. 

So that's all from me this week so far, I might be able to cover another post about my first ever MB concert *heavy breathing*, I'mmmmmmmm overly excited atm. Just 3 days away and I'll be able to meet my dream man.

Signing off with my name and a picquote I saw on FB, which I like it a lot,

Suetneeeee

Feelings-Vent-Out

-No class today so being an otaku for the day.-

Just a vent-out-my-current-feelings post.

At times I find myself really clingy to my friends. And sometimes, I hate myself for being so. Coz it feels like I am not being independent enough to do things myself. However what is even contradicting is that sometimes I feel like I can do all the things alone, it’s okay if I don’t have any friends with me.

What is wrong with me? I have no idea.

And I realized that I’ve put too much of my expectations on others. And I get myself disappointment each time for doing so. I expect the same return of effort in making friends. I know it’s impossible, I know it’s wrong to do so. But I can’t help myself. I’ve been trying to brainwash myself that “no one belongs to you”. They have their freedom and rights to choose whoever they want to be with, hang out with. I’m working hard on that. I am.

There are times when I feel like doing all the things solo, because I don’t have to conform to others nor to suit others. I feel good when I’m shopping alone, watching movie alone, driving alone. But the thing is, if this condition persists, I might end up being a loner. A complete old loner when I’m 80 years old. 

On the other side, sometimes I feel like I’m very insecure in an environment without anyone I know. In situation like this, I start to hang on to people whom I know. I wanted to approach them badly, make friends with them, and be close with them. The problem is, I do not know how to start. If I change myself, it wouldn’t be me anymore. It’ll be me imitating those who hook up fast with people. And I know I will feel tired of trying to be so.

If I remain the genuine me, I wouldn’t have much of a social life, lesser friends, but I feel true to my heart, even at times I might feel lonely. But if I make changes, I would gain social life, more friends, but a tired heart. So, which now?

I have no idea. I think I’m in the midst of feeling helplessness.

New Year

I was supposed to finished my birthday post and published it last year, which seems a very long time ago, but in fact not (just a few days ago). But clearly due to endless level of procrastination and enjoying my sem break like a baws, I couldn’t deliver it before New Year started…. So yeah Happy New Year from me lololol

Uni’s starting next week and I’ve got my feelings all mixed up. One part of me wants to go back and study because I don’t have to rot in the house doing nothing besides house chores, my guitar, and also books; another part of me fears of what is coming in the new sem with new subjects. With all the deadlines and assignments which require much of my brain juice and critical thinking, the horror horrifies me a lot. I know, I’m making my life so much more complicated than it seems to be. It’s actually very simple, overthinking kills. Guess I’ll need to make my remaining holidays to the best and enjoy to the max before new stress levels hit on. And also enjoy the company of my brother before he starts school as well :’(

New Year hmmm, not much of a new resolution from me. I’ll just be real to myself and also make sure that I constantly improve myself compared to the previous me. And of course having to make sure things that I’ve planned come into real action so that I’m one step closer to my goal.

To be honest I don’t feel any different or any special about new year. My mum said I’m getting very old, older than her. It’s another normal day to me so…. Sometimes I do worry about what is going on with my thinking. I call it the Ah-Ma-Thinking-Syndrome, where the thinking is no longer the same as people same age around you, but to the extent of those old uncles and aunties. You find things that people the same age do around you boring and a waste of time, but of course, not all the time.

I’m not sure what is really going wrong/right bout me. I’m still in the midst of understanding this as well, using all kind of possible analyses, probably one of the acceptable explanation is

I’m really getting old. lol

Anyway still a Happy New Year from me!