Feelings-Vent-Out

-No class today so being an otaku for the day.-

Just a vent-out-my-current-feelings post.

At times I find myself really clingy to my friends. And sometimes, I hate myself for being so. Coz it feels like I am not being independent enough to do things myself. However what is even contradicting is that sometimes I feel like I can do all the things alone, it’s okay if I don’t have any friends with me.

What is wrong with me? I have no idea.

And I realized that I’ve put too much of my expectations on others. And I get myself disappointment each time for doing so. I expect the same return of effort in making friends. I know it’s impossible, I know it’s wrong to do so. But I can’t help myself. I’ve been trying to brainwash myself that “no one belongs to you”. They have their freedom and rights to choose whoever they want to be with, hang out with. I’m working hard on that. I am.

There are times when I feel like doing all the things solo, because I don’t have to conform to others nor to suit others. I feel good when I’m shopping alone, watching movie alone, driving alone. But the thing is, if this condition persists, I might end up being a loner. A complete old loner when I’m 80 years old. 

On the other side, sometimes I feel like I’m very insecure in an environment without anyone I know. In situation like this, I start to hang on to people whom I know. I wanted to approach them badly, make friends with them, and be close with them. The problem is, I do not know how to start. If I change myself, it wouldn’t be me anymore. It’ll be me imitating those who hook up fast with people. And I know I will feel tired of trying to be so.

If I remain the genuine me, I wouldn’t have much of a social life, lesser friends, but I feel true to my heart, even at times I might feel lonely. But if I make changes, I would gain social life, more friends, but a tired heart. So, which now?

I have no idea. I think I’m in the midst of feeling helplessness.