Couldn't really sleep after watching 中国好声音 so I've decided to came here to talk about some really sentimental stuffs. Midnight posts are always the best with true emotions.
Last semester was probably one of the worst period I have ever been. Although it was only a short semester of 10 weeks and two subjects to be handled, at almost the end of the semester I literally couldn't handle it anymore. And I broke down pretty badly. I wasn't in good shape during that period.
The friends I once used to pour my heart out to, were not approached by me for quite some period of time. I pretty much sucked up a lot to myself, only my parents knew about what was I really going through. When I was in high school, I am that type of person that wouldn't mind telling what was I going through and feeling at the moment, but then I realized friends come and go in your life. And it was pretty risky to tell them your periods of down because you never knew one day when both of you will slowly distant yourselves and then they are gone from your life for good. In university, I didn't dare to go around and do what I used to do with my friends unless with those whom I perceive as real friends. I still keep a lot of stuffs within me. Sounds slightly pessimistic from the usual me but if you carefully digest the words it isn't. Imo I'm merely stating the reality.
As time goes by, I've gotten pretty good with camouflaging my true self and emotions. And my threshold is sort of high, unless you have done something really terrible and I couldn't take it and that's when prolly I'll lose my temper. Even so, I wouldn't lose it in front of the public, what I'll do is just probably start distancing myself away because I knew it is time for me to move on. I do not want to be influenced any possible negativities.
I guess it is true that as you grow, it gets harder for you to make friends. Need not to mention about real friends. In university you need to distinguish who are the ones that could stimulate you to grow, and who are the ones who will stunt your growth. Because the ones who you mix around the most are best reflection of who you are and what's your personality like. You've just gotta be wise.
I am a pretty clingy sort of friend tbh, I trust people very fast and I don't mind going extra mile for my friends. Although I have this RBF (Resting Bitch Face) all the time and it scares away quite a lot of people, but deep down I'm another person you wouldn't realize if you haven't gotten close enough with me. The way I act in front of my high school bunch and my university bunch are completely two different persona.
Also I came to the realization that as I age, I've became someone who enjoys the quiet and serenity side of things. I no longer want to be with a crowd, I want to be alone the whole day if possible. I no longer crave to hang out outside, I want to be alone in places where I can enjoy peace and silence. I've started going to cinemas alone, cafes alone, McD alone, shop alone at malls and etc. This has been going for quite some time and often I was asked didn't I felt lonely because I did not have friends with me? Truth is now I prefer silence over noise, and I feel at peace when I am alone. Talk only when necessary. Crap less, do more.
I don't deny the fact there were times I wish there were someone who would accompany me to watch movies of my favourite genres, to go explore cafes with real good food, to explore new places on a roadtrip. But at the same time I have yet to meet the right person where we both share the same values and with great personality. All that is required is just similar values and with good characters, nothing more than that. I guess I'll just patiently wait for the right one.
Prolly I craved for that too much that I actually dreamt of it. Believe it or not lol, last night I dreamt of my "boyfriend" and I going for a getaway on some mountains wtf. And some naked uncle ran up the mountains double wtf. Slightly disappointing because I didn't get to see my boyfriend's face. Prolly some dryness alert God has given to me wtf. I always have lots of weird dreams trust me, I could write a whole book bout it and you could laugh like there's no tomorrow.
Alright enough of weird topics jumping here and there. Now that I am feeling slightly sleepy I think it's time for me to head for bed. Till the next post.
Signing off,
suetneeeee
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